forgivenWretch

Good morning all and thank you so much for your response and concern, and most of all for not judging and condemning me.

I am feeling better (mind wise) at the present and I am praying that God will continue to keep pulling me back.

My problems are too numerous to mention, but to just try and give a quick jest...

I have several health issues...back problems, heart disease, BP, and now it seems that I am starting to show signs of diabetes and oh yea, I just found out I have prostate problems. When I was 20, a doctor told me I had the body of a 50 y/o, so now with that in consideration, I have the body of 80 y/o. I will turn 50 in July.

Two years ago, I suffered a major mental breakdown, in part to the physical issues along with work issues and I have not worked since. I had worked since I was 14, and the last 20 years was spent in Restaurant Management (lots of stress).

After my breakdown in Sept. 2005, I went back to work, only to last about two weeks. I thought I was going to end up back in the hospital, but with the support of my family, I held on. March 2006 I found a different job, this time in retail, I lasted until July when I went back into the hospital for the second time.

At the present I am trying to get on disability, and am still in limbo. My wife is a diabetic and quite overweight, as all five of us are, and is unable to work either. We have 3 children. Michael soon to be 31, still is at home and presently is the only one working, and he only makes $6/hr. Alicia, soon to turn 19 is a freshman in college (thank God for grants and scholarships and her good grades), Matthew just turned 17 Friday and he is a junior in high school.

We, myself, Patricia, and Matthew live off of just a little over $400 a month on food stamps, and Michael, I think only gets about $40. It's nearly impossible to feed 4 people on that amount and we still have to help Alicia. She is on a meal program (10 meals a week) and because of that she is not qualified for the stamps, but yet we still have to help her out. Between for of us it figures out to slightly over $1 a meal per person.

My mind is starting to cloud so I will stop for now. PLEASE, all I wish by sharing this is prayer, nothing more. God does provide and we are proof that He does. I am questioned over and over as to how we survive, and so many times when I share, they just laugh and call me a liar, and other choice words.

Fluffy

ForgivenWretch, blessed be your family for your courage to stand up and give glory to God! That takes a lot of strength and God will honor that! Yes, we will pray for you. You are precious to us and to God. Isnt it glorious how He provides? I know that Bondman can attest to that! Welcome to the Inner Room! Keep writing, and letting us know how you are and whats going on with your family. That makes it easier to pray when we know what to pray for!

__________________
Be transparent before God, He sees right thru you, anyway!
http://www.likepreciousfaith.org/testimony_val.htm
Please pray for your local emergency responders, daily.

Bondman

Wow, you guys sure are on the ball! Loud Amens to all the recent positive and encouraging posts!!

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Bondman

Wayne, thankyou for sharing! Now a considerable number of people understand your plight (MANY more than those who post here!!) and so we can be supportive, understanding, caring and prayerful.

The degree of your health problems, and your wife's, remind me of us! Thus you can be certain that we relate and feel the deepest of COMPASSION for you. Between us we've experienced just about all of your problems! We're still going SOLELY because of our TRUST in the Lord. In the darkest hour, that's when our faith can falter, yet that's when it needs to be at its strongest (I'm sure you know that it's easy to have faith when things are going okay!)

As for your money situation, we are considerably better off than you. America is very strong on a lot of areas, but your Social Security is extremely poor compared to ours here in Australia. In your situation you'd be getting at least $20,000 a year Government assistance! Our Social Security system is the envy of many countries around the world - and so we personally are really blessed!

Regarding how people respond when you tell them how you survive, it's so great to honour God by telling of His goodness! But the other side of the coin is the matter of casting pearls before swine, i.e., if people are going to mock, make fun of you and God, then a strong argument can be made for not telling them! Or as we do sometimes, just give a low-key response, rather than the whole story. For example, "Oh we somehow seem to manage," with a bit of a smile, or, "It often amazes us how we get through." Thus you've spoken positively, yet they have nothing to grump about! Just a thought.

Finally, do you have a church? Do they help you? This is the very situation the NT talks about of Believers LOVING each other according to Jesus' COMMAND! True Christian love is PRACTICAL. It gives to, and supports others - whatever their need. If this is not happening, maybe you need to look for a different church. Any local charitable organisations who provide help with food? Again we have ALL of this available here in our city.

Bless you and your family! We here are committed to pray for you and for your problems - for SOLUTIONS to them so you don't find yourself in such a state again as you've been!!

Rally for DAILY and earnest prayer for answers for this family, people!!!

Much love to you and each member of your family!

- BM with his Lady

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Bondman

Lovely post, hon!

A multi-millonaire Christian friend I had years ago had this fabbo saying. He strongly advised us all to: stand guard at the portals of your mind! Wow, that's GOOD! Never forgot it. Stand guard in the power of God, and satan hasn't got a chance! Truly!! He puts the idea in, I simply reject it out of hand! (Actually he knows not to waste his time - doesn't bother me much at all in this area any more.) Or using a computer analogy, when a thought comes that's not of God I just press "Delete!" (I actually say "Delete" in my mind!) Try it, it works!!

Do you know the verse that says, "But we have the mind of Christ!" Now there's a radical thought for you! In the Amplified Version it's even better:

1 Corinthians Ch 2:16b
But we have the mind of Christ, the Messiah, and do hold the thoughts (feelings and purposes) of His heart.

Works for me!!! I often pray to know His mind. To be on His wavelength - connected to HIS mind. To be seeking only the things He wants. Cos I joined His side a long time ago, and we gotta work together I reckon!

You have the mind of Christ! - so live it out!!!

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Faithwoman

Wayne,
Thanks for sharing a bit of your ongoing daily struggles. I know at times it is not easy to share .. but hey it is great here, because we are not judged nor condemned.

A thought I had , I see you are in Tennessee. If you don't mind, can you PM exactly what town. There is a program called Angel Food Ministry that may benefit your family. There is locations in quite a few areas of the US. It is a program where once a month you can get a box of food for $ 30.00 which normally would cost a family $ 60.00. It is of good value. Many churches also have blessing boxes.
Here is a link: Angel Food Ministries
Check and see if there is a place near you. You can also see a sample menu on the site main home page as well.

Also for the health issues, some hospitals have education programs for families that have diabetes and other things. Maybe your local hospital does?

Also like Bondman asked.. do you belong to a church? If not, I encourage you to find a good one.. my church family has helped me through times as well as lots of folks here helping my mind..

Keep posting and sharing.
We are here for you!
Faithwoman

Faithwoman

Pardon me if I shared this already,but I do not think I have. It is something I wrote last June.. wow does time fly! We all must realize the Value we have, more importantly the Value the Lord has:

As I stood in the small chapel this morning giving my personal testimony and speaking words from my heart of the life I have had, there was a very calm and loving feeling that came over me.

It was my first visit to Southside chapel. Awhile back, my good friend Lynn invited me to go to church with her. When I woke up this morning with the sun shining bright, I thought today would be a great day to go visit her church. Little did I know the lesson the Lord had in store for me.

The folks and pastors at the church welcomed me with open arms. It is there in that chapel, I learned the lesson of Value. Pastor Dave gave the morning message and he stated “You are of value”. We all are of value.

Me? I am of value? Many trials and tribulations of life lead us to believe that we are of no value. I took the time this afternoon to reflect what Value means to me with my love for the Lord.

V- Victorious- We as believers and we who give our lives to Christ have victory over life. We have victory over the trials and tribulations that come upon us. When we learn that Jesus is the final answer we have true victory.

A- Affirmation- I have learned that I need to affirm my beliefs and my own self worth. Better yet I have learned to affirm my faith in Jesus. It is with positive self affirmations and a constant faith that my life continues to be blessed.

L- Love – Love is a powerful word. The Lord loves us each and every day. As a matter of fact, the Lord loves us each and every moment. There has been many times in my life that I have felt alone. During these lonely moments, I make myself remember that I am never alone. The Lord is always with me. He loves me unconditionally.

U- Unique- We all are unique individuals. The Lord created each and every one of us. We all have a unique purpose that the Lord put in us. It is our calling to seek the divine unique purpose that the Lord has for us.

E- Everlasting Eternity- We are promised an Everlasting Eternity with the Lord. It is up to each and every one of us to create each new day we are given. “This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it”. How many days have you woken up and just feel like you cannot go on in life? We all have those days. How many times a day are you tempted to sin and not walk in the life of Christ? I encourage you to keep your eyes focused on the cross. It is with perseverance, faith and a love for the Lord that will bring you and me to the place they call eternity. When Satan comes knocking in your life, just remember to say “Jesus will you get that for me!”.

I do have value. You have value. We all have value. I find during my struggling times that by reading the word and praying feverishly, that peace and calm can be in my life.

If you ever doubt your own self worth or value, I encourage you to go to the nearest mirror or window and peer into it. Speak to that person looking back and you. Shout at the reflection- I am of value! I am a child of God! No one can take that away from me!
I did not have to pay for the value of my life. The bill was paid many years ago on that cross – and the nails that were bore into the Son of God were priceless. He died for you and for me. He died so we may have life. He died to show us we are of Value. With that value comes victory, affirmation, love, uniqueness and the best gift Everlasting Eternity.

I thank you Pastor Dave, Pastor Shawn and Pastor Cy and all the folks at Southside for an awesome Sunday morning.

It is through your sharing that I truly learned the lesson in store that the Lord had for me. That lesson was I do have Value.


Faithwoman
June 24, 2007

forgivenWretch

I do not know why I am having so much trouble sharing, other than this darn depression.

Back on Dec. 31st (New Years' Eve), I decided that I want some things to change and at the time I was feeling fairly well. Things seemed to be better than normal, and we were studying transformation at church. I decided to not attempt to make a resolution but instead to set a goal.

My goal was to be more helpful around the house and to really attempt to get out of the dumps. I took over the laundry, and I am responsible for dusting the entire house (it's not much, it's only a 16x80 mobile home quite crowded really for 5 people), any ways I started in our bedroom, and I decided to do it right and so desired to start moving things around in order to do a good cleaning. Well in the process, I re- hurt and greatly aggravated my back.

I am now seeing my doctor for pain management, in an attempt not to have to have surgery ( although I think it would be best). Feb. I was put on three different non- narcotic meds, too which the only thing that really happened was to make me feel totally drugged and most days I am forced to take at least a 2 hr nap. I am not one to sleep during the day.

These meds after three weeks began to battle with my depression meds. What is so bad is that i for several weeks had felt better mentally than I had in a long long time. When I went back for my 1 month check-up, they added loratab, and oh boy that really did not settle well with my mental state. I also ran out of my Paxil. Everything seemed to be pulling me further and further down and just little over a week ago, I was again ready to call it quits. I really thought that i would either attempt something and or end back up in the hospital.

In the mean time, I now am confronted with prostate problems, which I go back this Wed. for the blood test results. I am on TennCare. I am on 14 different meds for different things. TennCare pays for my BP meds no matter what. After that they will only pay for 5 additional, only two of those may be brand name. Well with the added pain meds, I did not think about needing the Paxil, and screwed up royally. I went back to the doctor, last week and they found some samples of a similar medicine so that I would have something to hold me over till the first. They have helped some and I actually feel more human presently.

When I go back on the first we are supposed to really take a good hard look at my meds and do some major planning so that I do not have to do without. I am now not taking three different ones. They are not critical, but life sure is easier with them.

I just can not seem to win for loosing, no matter what I do. I try so hard to get involved at church and in our Outreach program. Today for example, I went to one of the local nursing homes to visit. I think that i really enjoyed it more than the ones I went to see. it is definitely a toss up. I was is great spirits until I got home and it seem that more problems were just waiting to ruin my day. All I wish for is a happy medium.

Faithwoman

Wayne,
Do you have access to local library? Do you like to read?
I just read Joye Meyers book - Battlefield of the Mind.. It is an awesome book with great aspects on the Battlefield of our thoughts. There is a section in there on depression as well with lots of scripture quotes for folks to read.

I believe Satan is really trying to take you down! He knows how much you love God and he does not want that.. he wants to win in your life.

For your medications, did you know that alot of the drug companies have special programs that can help You can sometimes get them for free or at a really low cost.
Here is a link

https://www.pparx.org/Intro.php

You wrote:

These are not good thoughts to have. Do you have anyone you can call in time of crisis? Maybe your Pastor? A good Christian friend from church? We can and do call out to God and he hears us.. but I also know from past experiences of my own to be able to call someone at any time of day or night, made a huge difference for me.. When going through the Alcoholic relationship I was able to call a friend of mine (he was an older gentleman and like a dad to me) I would sometimes call him at 1:00 am or 2:00 am.
He was so kind and loving to me. I also had my Pastor number on speed dial. She knew every aspect of my life.. I mean everything~!

Keep posting and sharing.. God loves you and so do we

Faithwoman

forgivenWretch

We do have a library. Normally, other than my daily bible reading, I do not care much for reading. I have although since Thursday read 2 books, from the "Left Behind" series. "Left Behind" & "Tribulation Force". I actually went to the library today and checked out the next three.

I do too and that is what is making it so hard. The harder I try to do God's work, the harder Satan digs in.

Somewhere in the backof my mind I knew about this but I have never checked into it for my self. I have actually told others about these programs. I am going to check out the site you gave.

I hate these thoughts, and I really try to hold on and every time they start I start praying harder and harder. I am under doctors care for my depression and I also am seeing a counselor every week (past two years) and she is great. i can call her when ever. I can always call my pastor too.

Deep down I know that I have to talk these things out and that holding them in is not a good thing, but when the depression hits, it hits hard and I do not want to talk to anyone.

I have so much trouble talking to my wife. That is also part of the problem. she suffers from depression also but no where near the extent that I do. She tries so hard to hold things together, and she told me the other day that she wished I could be as happy as she is at times. She has a way of laughing things off. I can not do that. As I have been told too many times I am my own worst enemy. And it is so true.

I hate being alone, but that is the way that I feel. deep down I know people care but Satan tries his best to make me think otherwise.

At church, I am a greeter on Sunday mornings, I sing in the choir, am an usher, I am the un-official Outreach Director, I do the bulletins, and also a monthly newsletter. I love all of these things, and most of all, being able to share my love for God with others especially with the bulletins and the newsletter. I put my heart and soul into the two. They allow me to express myself in ways that I never could in person.

Like we have already determined, unfortunately, Satan hates what I am doing and oh boy does he prove it. My health issues alone, at times are more than I can handle, but when he steps in, it really takes the cake. As I said earlier, God still fortunately has His grip and that is the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid.