Today is my son's birthday.

Hard to believe that 16 years ago today, my 5th child was born. He's grown into such a tall young man. I look at him though, and I still sometimes see that glint of his personality from when he was a toddler. Wide eyed enthusiasm and complete naivete' of how the world works.

He isn't driving yet. He's always been a little immature. And he doesn't seem to be too interested in it. Other than when he mutters about having to wait to be picked up. You'd never know he even cared about it.

He has to get a job this Summer. Although I don't know what he would do. He, like both of us, (his Dad and I) have a problem with authority. We like to do things our way. Not a submissive on in the bunch, on either side.

Still, I'm proud of him. He's overcome a lot of hardship in school. What with the racism in his school in California, and then trying to fit in when he doesn't know anyone here. No. Indiana is pretty cliquish. (a fact about the mid-west I never knew until I moved here)

I wonder what he'll be, what he'll do. Who he'll fall in love with. As his mother, I worry about him. I want him to be happy, to be successful. Not to have to worry about the same things that I did.

I don't know if I was a good mother. All I know is that I tried to raise him completely different than how I was raised. My objective was to get him through his childhood without trauma or making fear his life inhibiter. Plus, I have to admit, I wanted to raise him in such a way so that when he was grown up, and had his own life, he would still want me in his. I don't have that.

Well, they're off canoeing today. And I'm here with the girls waiting for the washer repair man to come. I hope he took a shower. That guy wreaks of b.o. so bad, it's hard to be civil to him. Still, I am polite, hospitable. I'm not one of those people who tells people "you stink". Although sometimes I envy people who are that boldly obnoxious. At least they don't have to suffer.

When they get back later, my sister wants us to drive up and she'll take us all out to dinner. I don't really look forward to the drive. J. asked me to make him Salmon for his birthday, and the chocolate cake they all seem to love. But, my sister has always been very close to J. So, we'll do this. It'll be fun. Except for the drive, with gas prices so high and us barely able to stay afloat. I'll be positive and try to trust that God will see us through it. I prayed in church yesterday, when others went forward to the alter to pray. I have never gone to the alter at this church, because I don't want to explain why I'm praying to people. I prayed in the pew, standing up, with my back seizing. I always cry when I pray. And was glad for the darkness. God please help us not lose our home. It's all I could ask. I hope he will let us.

Anyway, it's my son's 16th birthday. Happy Birthday dear boy.