My Back Story For Anyone Interested (Its LOONG)

Hmm, where to start. Well, alright. At the beggining is the best place really.

My family arent christian, in fact, i live with my mum, and she is VERY anti christian, she believes its for idiots. But every since i was very young ive always believed in a "God" figure. I dont know why, i mean, ive NEVER had any christian influances but its always been there. Ive always talked to someone.

Well basically, religion, christianity etc never became a problem or an influence till like 4-5 years ago. See to make a long story short, my best mate Josh is a christian, and he never said anything about it, until summer 4-5 years ago. When he asked me if i wanted to go camping with him and some friends of his for a week. So obviously i said yes, a few days before we left he leveled with me and told me that we where going to a christian festival called Soul Survivor. And i was like, meh, go for it, cause im a pretty open minded guy.

So we went and it was AMAZING. At first i was a bit hesitant because i wanted to make an informed decision. But in the biggest tent on the first night, after some awesome music (Tim Hughes) and this cool guy talking, they asked if there where any people in the crowd who wanted to give themselves to go for the first time. At first i wasnt gonna go up, but i did in the end. And it wa the most incredible feeling ive ever felt. When i was infront of those thousands and thousands of people it was amazing!

So for that week i was amazingly happy, i mean, i thought i had found God, though, i still didnt understand anything. Like anything at all. I mean, id felt that massive high, but after that, well, i still felt alone, and with no answers. But worst of all, was now, id realised what a big deal religion is, and what a monumental decision the whole thing is. So in a way, it kinda ruined my life. Ever since that day, i have trouble sleeping, im constantly conflicted and all i can ever think about is God. The problem is, that i really REALLY want to believe in God. And i suppose i do. The problem is that ive never felt him, i have no idea what it is im looking for. And whenever i try to reach out to god i get nothing, ever. All i want is some assurance im doing the right thing, some sign that im on the right path. Cause all i know at the moment is that from the instant i started to consider religion, ive become miserable.

Which i suppose isnt a good start at all. And whenever i start to be able to get close to coming to an answer, i over think about it. Let me explain. Im really smart (not ego i promise) Im dyslexic am Disbraxic (many other conditions, colourblindness included :P) which means i have VERY bad short term memory, i cant write very well (cant spell at all) and have problems with certain puzzles etc etc but what it means, is i have a very high intelligence level (Im in the top 2% of Very Superior intelligence) and it means that i take a very analytical view on everything i hear and experience. Which is good and bad.

It sort of means, that i cant understand or accept something without proof and undenyable evidence. And i find that at every oportunity i over analyise everything, which means i find it VERY hard to accept anything that isnt concrete. For example, i have lots of things that could be used as proof of God excistance :

The drastic change for the better in my best friend when he found God
The amazing feeling i got at Soul Survivor.
My love of Christian music regardless of age or opinion.
The fact that i KNOW what god wants me to do, because its something ive always felt i was MEANT to do, with no real reason for it at all. (To travel, meet people, experience the world and experience people and do charity work along the way) Also i get the feeling that it will never happen until i embrace Christianity because i know he wants me to spread the word when i travel and tell my story. I have no reason to know this, at all, ive just always felt that way.

But the problem comes in me accepting these things (thats just a few) because i can think of rational reasons for all of them.

Josh changed because he now follows christian teachings not because God has "Freed" him.
I love performing (Im did a Diploma in Performing arts in College) and the feeling i got at soul Survivor was just the adrenaline from being in front of that many people.
I love music as a whole, why shouldnt i like christian music, its just as good as every other type of music.
As for travelling, its something i really want to do, and ive convinced myself its what i want to do, so im just trying to find people to back up my idea because my parents dont want me to do it.

Theres my problem, its too easy to over analyise everything. I suppose the reason i seek religion so much is for a few reasons.

I owe it to Josh to give my best go (its a long story , and i can get into it if u want, im just getting tired hands :P)
I am miserable with life at the moment, and i have always had the feeling im going in the wrong direction.
I feel alone, and abandonded. I feel as though im missing something and dont know what.
I want to sleep properly again. Until i find a definitive path either with or without God, i will never be happy and my mind will never quiet.

So thats it, well, all i can think of atm.

Hope that gives you some insight, if thats to much to process, i dont mind u sharing it with anyone else, i just didnt wanna put all that straight out there on the forum, cause its alot to read.

So thats sort of the reasons why i joined here, and the reason i am having problems.

Thanks again for reading.

Chris