Self Realizations

I have come to the realization that I am completely unable to tell the difference (in the early phases) between a man who: 1) wants to be with me simply because he enjoys my company, and 2) one who wants to be with me simply because he doesn't want anyone else to be. The difference might seem trivial at first glance, but in reality it is monumental in the latter stages. Both of my husbands fit the second.

Imagine the second being like a small child. In a child this behavior is easy to see. It is the toddler who pronounces "mine" when someone wants to play with a toy that he has. It doesn't matter if he has long abandoned the toy in exchange for playing with a different toy, the minute someone touches the original toy, the toddler will run over, grab it up and declare "mine." The child does not really have a desire to play with the toy, he just doesn't want anyone else to.

In adult male it isn't so easy to see. At least not for me. Maybe I would recognize it if in the dating stages of a relationship, the minute I spoke to someone else, the male ran over suddenly, grabbed me away and shouted "mine." Unfortunately it doesn't happen like that. Instead it comes across as sweet and endearing. He appears to just want to "be" with you....seemingly because he likes being around you and spending time with you. He calls all the time. He likes to go places with you.

Then you get married, and ever so gradually the real reason behind it begins to manifest itself. Suddenly you find that he shows signs of jealousy that never surfaced prior. Prior to the marriage, he would see you speak to another male and he remained calm and collected. After the marriage, he sees you speaking to a male and suddenly you are a whore. Doesn't matter if the male is a client, professor, colleague, etc. Before the marriage, he likes the way you look. After the marriage, everything you wear is whorish and draws too much attention to you. "Who are you trying to impress?" You look yourself over in the mirror, wearing your floor length skirt, long sleeved blouse that covers all, and so little makeup that most people would never notice you have any on-- and you ask yourself "what is whorish about this?"

And it escalates. Until one day you wake up and realize that you have no friends because of years of not being allowed to speak to anyone. Your phone is shut off so that you are unable to call anyone. You have no house key, so that you can not leave. You do not even have a key to your own car, not that you'd be allowed to drive it even if you did. You are not allowed to go anywhere escorted. What once seemed sweet is no longer sweet. There is nothing sweet listening to your husband accuse other men of looking at you and accuse you of having somehow done something to bring it on. You find yourself walking around with your eyes glued to the ground for fear of accidentally looking at some male, which might cause that male to look back at you.

Then, like the child who wouldn't let anyone see his toy, the grown man's object loses all value and he no longer wants to "play" with it anymore. It has no worth. No one wants it-- not even himself. There is no point in holding onto something of no value. You discard the things you no longer want.

I recall a time in my first marriage when I was at the store with my husband..... Being short, I could not reach an item on the top shelf that I needed for the baby. He stood there at the cart as I asked him repeatedly for help. He ignored me. His attention was elsewhere. Finally, I succeeded in gaining his attention and he came over and retrieved the item for me- aggravated. He made a comment about the guy at the end of the aisle staring at me. I told him that if the guy was staring, then it was probably because he wondered why my husband wouldn't help me get an item that I could not reach. No, he insisted that the guy was staring at me.

When my second husband left, I began to wear make-up again. I began to wear the clothes that I wanted to, rather than trying to look bad enough to not be called a whore. I began to polish my nails and fix my hair. He would come by..... "You look good. How come you didn't look like that when we were married?" Well.....I did. 1) We were still married even though he left. 2) A woman does not suddenly "look good" in a week, unless she always looked that way already, and 3) maybe if he wasn't so busy looking at everyone else, then he would have noticed what was right in front of his face.

"How come you are wearing make-up now?" Answer: "Because I can. I am finally allowed to without being called a whore or accused of trying to impress someone else."

"You are old and used up. No man will ever want you unless he is old and desperate."
Well.... even he still wants me. I know now that he needs to say those things in order to 1) make me still believe I am worthless, and 2) make himself feel better about his own actions.

It's like the person who throws an object away in the garbage, and then when a neighbor comes and pulls it out suddenly the first man sees its value and demands it back.

So, I have come to the realization that I am unable to recognize the difference between a man who wants to be with me because he values me and enjoys spending time with me.... and one who wants to be with me simply because he doesn't want anyone else to have me (and I am only an object-- "property" to quote the men in my lives).

I may never be able to recognize the difference while in the dating stages. Maybe now that I realize that I have this problem, then I can begin to look for ways to identify early on the subtleties that may emerge in the behavior of men at the early stages.