More poring out of the heart...

When I was a child, it was all so very simple. Everything I heard from the preacher, and my Christian school...it all was so perfectly clearcut. Christians were good, and everyone else desperately needed to become Christians. All other religions were just things that ancient backwards cultures believed in.

But, as I grew, my eyes were harshly opened. As I branched out, and got involved in the church and in ministry, I saw how planned everything seemed to be. Everything stopped seeming so much clear, and through my heartache. So many in the ministry, that don't really believe what they teach. So many that already think they are so holy, that they don't need salvation. So many, that never opened their eyes to the world around them, to see that the lines aren't so clear as their little pastel-tie world.

I was mocked. I was avoided. Deacons telling other members of the church to avoid me. Sermons directed at ME, talking about how Satan was working within the church, and that the Satanic church was sending people into the church to destroy them from the inside out...while looking straight at me...the ONLY time anyone actually looked me in the eyes. And what was my crime? I dressed differently? I hung out with the outcasts? Who else was I supposed to hang out with when nobody else would talk to me? The lies behind my back, talk about how paganism is out to get us and lead us astray.

Paganism never called me. Nobody every approached me to invite me into the dark arts. So I wasn't pulled away from Christianity because of pagans, I was chased away by those who claim Christ. I had to fight my way back, but it's not the same anymore. I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm scarred, bitter at times, and apathetic. So, I come back willingly, I struggle and I fight, and on the surface, everything seems different. No more of the same talk behind my back, but it was replaced with something much more cunning and sinister. False compassion. It seemed that no matter what I asked, I felt as though it just didn't matter. Now I was "Allowed" into their little club, but I was still not really accepted.

For a while, I was happy just to be able to play my guitar and sing praise to God, but over time, we got a new music leader. At first, it was fine, actually, it was better than ever. But, she wasn't called to ministry. She was good, but she was convenient only. I begged, literally BEGGED the pastor of the church to really search for someone who was called to ministry, to not compromise. He promised me that they would only hire someone who was sold-out for God. He lied to me. It broke my heart. I trusted him. But, he made a "good" decision...just not a Godly one. As time passed, the music stopped being real. I began seeing notes in the music about where people would start crying, and where the pastor would "spontaneously" come up, and stuff like that. Eventually, as much as it broke my heart to not be able to play anymore, I had to leave.

But, where do I go? Do I find a place with a great music ministry? Because that is what I need. A preacher can speak a million words, and I can agree or disagree. I can listen to a thousand sermons, and never really agree on any of them, but I can pretend. I NEED music. But if I find a place with a good music ministry, where do I fit in? I can't just listen, any more than I can listen to a sermon passively. This is the only way I can worship God. This is all I know. When I want to praise God, I HAVE to play to Him. I can't listen. This is my connection to God. Music literally brought me back to God, not listening, but playing. I would be happy to get together with other musicians just to play praise to God every night.

I try on my own, but over time, it feels hallow. No purpose, lacking direction. I've found groups of people to study with, and learn from. I still have no specific church I attend, though I do wander from place to place. But I need a home. I'm a bit of a wanderer by nature, but I loose so much that way. With all the disagreements, and fake Christians, only one thing remains for me. That's the music. A preacher can preach any message he wants, he can dance around the truth, and he can lie. But I won't catch the lie at first. I'll be listening to bad advise and poor sermons for months before I will really know the pastor's heart. But music, it doesn't lie. It's pure. Either the heart is there, or it's not.

And that brings me to my own heart. A heart that has been torn apart. I almost don't know what to believe in anymore. It seems that there isn't a single point that everyone agrees on. So many disagreements and misunderstandings. It's easy to say you believe the Bible, but when I hear people quote the Bible, they twist it. Everyone seems to. Single verse arguments. Taken out of context. So I read for myself. And I honestly can't see how it's possible the church has strayed so far away from what I'm reading. I can't even reconcile much of what I read in the Bible with what the church preaches at all. To me, it's like watching a movie "based on a true story". An interpretation, of an interpretation, of a translation. And worse...to question anything about the church, is to invite argument. So, if I believe something that the church doesn't...it seems that I'm expected to hide it, or lie about it.

Yet, I'm not confident enough to stand alone. I don't have that confidence, but I KNOW, God spared my life for a reason. He wouldn't let me die, so I have to have a purpose. And, in a very general way, I know what that purpose is, but I'm scared. I'm still searching myself, and struggling with my beliefs. How am I to stand behind them, when I scarcely can speak with boldness? How do I know I'm even right? How does anyone know? So many seem to think they are right, but they are only arrogant and narrow minded. How can I be right, and be me at the same time?