NoDoubt

I want to get drunk. I want to forget. I don't want to have to live with myself all the time.

I felt incapable before, then I find out I have high functioning autism. A curse where I look normal, but seem wierd. I can't socialize, thanks to my retardation. It's made my life very miserable. I've tried several things in hopes of never waking up, but all have failed.

Life is too much for me. I can't focus, I can't function, it all hurts too much.

I know in the depths of my heart that God is perfect in every way. So I only get more angry at myself trying to figure out why He won't fix me. I refuse to allow myself to even think about being angry or bitter at God, because if I die now, I go to heaven. I don't want to venture into the dangerous territories of denounciation.

So I almost want to kill myself preventatively. It sure doesn't feel like I'll get any better. The ways I have gotten better have made me so angry. I worked out until I achieved this "normal" appearance, and that only made my autism stand out that much more.

Why am I so weak? Why can't I draw on God's strength to do the right things? Why can't I let go of so much bitterness and depression? Why can't I stop myself from doing the terrible things I do? Why do I have to live?

smellycat

why don,t you repent to jesus and ask God for help.

NoDoubt

Done that. I failed again. To repent is to turn away from. If I'm repenting, and fighting, why do I keep failing? Where is the power of God if I can't overcome anything?

carolinasteve

No Doubt. We're all damaged goods. We're all in the same boat, holding different oars. IN this boat, we are all going to face storms.where the winds are so strong, we're sure that the mast is going to be snapped like a toothpick, and fall on us. where the waves are so feirce, and so powerful, that there doesn't seem to be any way that our little boat can hold together beneath the force of the water crashing down on us,filling the boat with more water than it could possibly hold. But we must remmeber who is also in the boat with us:

Mark 4:35-45(KJV)
"35And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side.
36And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.
37And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? 41And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"
biblegatway.com
do lot lose heart. Jesus is capable, and God's grace is sufficient. Through Him we are all made new. FOcus your eyes on the front of the boat, where Jesus stands,arms outstretched, and watch his robes billowing in the wind,then gently settling in to the natural position oas the waves cease and the wind calms to a gentle breeze, and the sun comes from behind the clouds, warming and drying the cold drops of rain from your face. He is there with you, and will strengthen you, and realize that He loves you.

NoDoubt

I know He's there, I know He loves me, but the strengthening is yet to come, apparently.

violet

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spiritlead

Ephesians 6:12


12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

I pray the spirits that are coming against you come down.
2 Corinthians 10:4
(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds
our mind is where satan tries to attack us. and through the 5 physical sences.
when things that are come to your mind that are against Gods word rebuke it. pull it down.
Psalm 139:14
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
Genesis 1:27

27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

Rumely

Autism isn't the end of all that is worthwhile. You're the same person you were before being labelled, but the diagnosis may aid in understanding yourself and finding strategies for dealing with it. Autism is not the same as retardation, if that's any comfort. I have a nephew who is autistic. His parents and other caregivers have worked hard with him and, while he still has issues related to his condition, he's made a lot of progress. He is a delightful child.

You certainly don't seem "retarded" to me. You seem to communicate and interact fine in this forum. I think you may underestimate yourself because of the particular obstacles related to your autism. Behind the social awkwardness and the difficulty focusing and such, there is a bright, articulate, thoughtful person.

You ask a lot of "why" questions, which is only natural. I have come to accept that I'm simply not going to know a lot of the "whys" in this life. If you live your life for God, He will not allow it to be wasted. For me, it is a simple matter of trust, having come to know His nature, that my obedience to Him, my struggling with my weaknesses and limitations and foolishness, offered up to Him as service and worship, will not be wasted, will not go unnoticed. Whew, lot of commas in that sentence. This autism, and the issues that go with it, is the burden you have been given to bear. Why did God saddle you with this? Why doesn't He just fix it? I don't know, but He knows, and His knowing is sufficient. That doesn't necessarily make it easier, but know that He has not left you dangling in the wind, too defective for Him to notice.

I have to rush to work, now, so can't finish a couple other thoughts. I will pray for you, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your life and your future have inestimable value in God's eyes.

DaveS

I have a cousin who is Autistic, and at 17 years old he can't speak, and he walks around with his hands covering his ears all the time, he also suffer from obsessive compulsive dissorder.

The fact that you can read or write is amazing to me, you truley are high functioning. Thats great. The Autistic community needs a person such as yourself, someone who is obviously intelligent, and can speak out on behalf of those who can't. I see this as an opportunity for you. Pray Pray and Pray some more, God will indeed use you as part of his great plan.

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Beloved

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Shalom

( SHALOM says: Completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord. )

Beloved
1 Corinthians 14:1 Let Love be your highest goal.