WasLost

I hope I am welcome here…this is my first post. For the sake of my safety, I’m using the web alias “WasLost� for fear of retribution from the people I have been involved with for the past several years...they don’t know what has happened to me but will figure it out soon. Until last night, I was a member of a Satanic Church and have been a self-proclaimed Satanist for many years. Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream that I stood before Christ in a dark pit. He looked like a burn victim and was horribly disfigured. He was on his knees before me and bleeding. He looked up at me and asked why I had done this to him. I knelt down in front of him and asked who he was and what I had done. He replied that he was an old friend…he began to weep. I didn’t recognize him as Christ because he didn’t look like the typical depictions I’ve seen. He merely looked like a man I didn’t know. I suddenly felt a wave of energy and empathy for this man in front of me…it was then that I realized that this man was an angel or something incredibly holy. It was almost a tangible experience. I began to weep as this feeling washed over me and I held the man in my arms. Everything became very bright and I felt an overwhelming sense of safety and love…it felt as if I was holding my dad.

I awoke from this dream and thought about it for the rest of the night without sleep. I can only assume that something divine reached out to me last night in my sleep and showed me something that I have yet to even make sense of. I know now that I have been on the wrong path. I know that my soul is heavy with sin. I don’t know what to do now, and I’m feeling dazed and confused. Everything I learned to value as a Satanist now seems unimportant. My focus is no longer on myself. My sect of Satanism does not believe in Satan as a real being, only an archetype to be revered. I have identified with this archetype and have been focused on my own desires for years…dismissing all others as irrelevant to my life. I feel incredibly lost and did not know what to do or who to turn to…the anonymity of the internet would be a good place to start and I found this forum from a simple google search. I’m looking for help…advice…feedback…guidance. Anything.

Thank you for reading, and for helping if you can…

WasLost

Pastor Gary

Was Lost - God's power is infinite. He seems to have reached out a lifeline to you in the form of a vision and you seem to have reached out for it in an attempt to preserve a Child of God - YOU YOURSELF!

Please make an attempt to cast out the previous thoughts and beliefs and accept the Teachings of Jesus Christ and His Father, God Almighty. If you have a GOOD quality Bible such as the New Living Translation, please refer to the Healing Prayers in James 5 (NLT) for peace of mind. Then, start slowly in reading all of the chapters starting with Genesis all the way through to Revelation, in a speed that you are comfortable with. As you learn the story of the seedline of Christ, you will appreciate what His sacrifice was and how it affects those who truly believe.

Welcome to the forum - you are among friends here.

__________________
Pastor Gary

Administrative Pastor and
Certified Chaplain Responder -
Alabama, Florida, Michigan, Tennessee and Wisconsin.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

WasLost

Thank you for the reply. It's good to know there is somewhere I can turn!

I was raised in the Catholic Education System and have a fairly good grasp on Christianity and the Bible. I've read the King James Version several times from cover to cover and was greatly confused and disenchanted by all the contradictions and violence in the Bible. I found a great deal of beauty in the bible, but also a great deal of pain and guilt. It was my disenchantment with the bible and my Catholic Education that led me away from Christianity.

In my teens I searched for differnt perspectives on Christianity by attending different Churches and denominations...Lutheran, Methodist, Episcopalian. All of which had much of the same contradictions. I explored Buddhism, and even read the Torah and Koran. My inability to find meaning or comfort in any of it led me to a branch of Satanism which focused on the self as the only form of divinity. So I became a self-centered Satanist.

Now I feel completely lost. I have had this life-changing vision and no longer can accept my Satanic beliefs. The vision felt much like a calling from God, but it gave me no direction. I don't know what I can do.

I am taking your advice and going back to my bible. I am attempting prayer for the first time in over 10 years. God willing, I'll make it through this attonement and trial.

WasLost

Boanerges

Waslost if you repent of your old sinful life and accept Jesus love and sacrifice as atonement for YOUR sins HE WILL FORGIVE YOU and He will come and make you His dwelling place. What happened to you is not strange it is in His loving nature to seek and save the lost. It is God's desire to see you saved, healed and delivered out of bondage. I am truly glad to hear your heart is ready to respond to God's call- He has been planning, waiting for the right moment, the perfect opportunity to reach you
I recommend finding a church were Jesus is truly Lord and spend time learning His word and ways, this will transform your life. As you read and study His Word remember Jesus sent us a teacher- the Holy Spirit- so when you read your bible ask the Holy Spirit to teach you and to help you understand what God is speaking to you- as God's Spirit breathes His life on His Word it will become alive to you- it will literally meet you and your needs in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Trying to understand it with your own mind will only produce works of dead religion. There is no power in satan or his way, there is no power in doing good deeds in your own strenght- But as you alow God to become real in your life you will be overwhelmed by His power and glory!As He begins to speak to you thru His Word by His Spirit your eyes will be opened and you will begin to believe Him and His Word instead of your old way of thinking- this is called being renewed in your mind and is just one wonderful step on this jouney of faith. Remember put your faith in Christ and His love for you not in your circumstances or anything else anyone you see or hear!

WasLost

I've begun re-reading the bible. I have a copy of the Revised Standard Version, which is different from the King James bible I grew up with. I've read it before, and much like before, it poses more questions than it does answers...especially in the Old Testament. I'm trying not to let small details lead me astray as I'm always warry of translations...rather, I'm trying to focus on the core messages and philosophies. This has been difficult, and I find myself wanting to find evidence of the unconditional love of God...all I've found are examples of his wrath...which in my specific position, doesn't make me feel remotely saved...only doomed for my transgreassions. Granted, I've only read through Numbers, and I will continue reading. It's all I can do...and pray.

WasLost

Boanerges

Waslost, it is just my opinion but I feel you would be better of starting in the new testiment. The Gospels are rich and full and show us how the Lord loved and interacted with the lost and religious people of His day.The church was born at His ressurection with the book of Acts detailing this. then you get to the epistles full of Gods Words, love and power for His bride (the church). I only suggest this because I feel the Old Covenant is better understood once we understand the heart of God as revealed in the New Covenant.
The old testiment is rich and full -the Lord once gave me a vision of His Word- it appeared to have a silver river running thru it from cover to cover, the Lord reminded me that silver was always used for redemption and I believe that this represents Christs redeeming power found in the whole Word of God. A wise man once said the old covenant is Christ concealed and the new is Christ revealed, let me give you an example:
When Moses was receiving the tablets with the ten commandments the children of Isreal pitched camp- not just in any order but according to God's command.The Lord's instructions were to line the camp up to the compass points with the three smallest tribes to the west, the three largest to the east and three roughly equal in size were lined up to the north and the south. This would have formed a gigantic living cross for Moses to see when he came down the mountain. The furniture inside the tabernacle (located in the center of the cross) represented the only way a Hebrew could come into God's presence- this was also configured in the shape of a cross- these things signify that there is one way and one way only to enter God's presence- thru the cross of Jesus Christ.It was the only meeting place betwenn God and man- in the center of the cross. He is "the lamb slain before the foundation of the world. This is only a handful of literally thousands of ways that Jesus Christ was forshadowed in the old covenant and once you have eyes to see reading it is one of the most powerful adventures you will ever undertake.
Most importantly, I may have mentioned this to you already but Jesus sent us a paraclete(one who walks beside us) His Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit of God who is our comforter and teacher, it is He who reveals Jesus to us and helps us understand God's Word. Whenever I read God's Word I always ask the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and reveal what God is wanting me to see. Waslost the same scripture can speak to you a thousand different ways in a thousand different situations- God has given us this Living Word and as His Holy Spirit breathes on it it becomes an eye opening and life changing thing.

epistemaniac

I agree with much of what the son of thunder, Boanerges, wrote

I would just add that while the NT does not contain the violence that the NT does, it is still true that the NT speaks of God's holy and just wrath (no one speaks of Hell more frequently then Jesus Himself) and that grace can be found in the OT, which you seem to agree with already.

It may not be possible for you, but if you could get your hands on the ESV version of the Bible, as well as the NNAS (the updated New American Standard version of the Bible) and the New Living Translation (they are all available to read for free online) and consult different versions, it may be of help to you. I really like the New Living Translation because the editors of this Bible asked a simple question when translating the Scrptures, namely, who in the evangelical world is known for writing commentaries on this or that book of the Bible?" and based on this, they assigned the translation of a given book to that author or team of authors. So, to use my favorite book of the Bible, as an example, (Romans) those on the translation committee for this book are: Gerald Borchert of Northern Baptist Theological Seminary; Douglas J. Moo of Wheaton College' and Thomas R. Schreiner of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary; all of whom are well known for their commentaries on the boiok of Romans... For more on this see http://www.newlivingtranslation.com/...hescholars.asp

BTW, do not confuse The Living Bible (by Kenneth Taylor) with the New Living Translation.... though God could and did use the Living Bible, it is at best a very loose paraphrase (versus a genune "translation") and ought not be consulted as anything other then a paraphrase.... and, what is a bit worse IMHO, its a very loose translation by only one person.....

Secondly, even though we consult various versions, there are still some "hard sayings" that likely will not be answered by consulting different versions of the Bible.... I would encourage you to check out books dealing with "problem passages" such as "Hard Sayings of the Bible" edited by Walter Kaiser, or "When Critics Ask" by Norm Geisler (also check out his "When Skeptics Ask"-- directed towards persons who are not Christians-- and "When Cultists Ask", which are all very good too), or the Encyclopedia of Biblical Difficulties by Gleason Archer to help with the difficult passages.... you could also consult some good evangelical (evangelical = people who affirm the inerrancy and infallibility of the Scriptures) commentaries that discuss any passages you might have problems with... online, for free you could check out John Gill, or Jamison Faucett and Brown, or Matthew Henry, or Barnes' Notes on the OT and the NT for some help as well....

After all is said and done, there will probably still be some questions you have, and thats ok... what there is to clearly believe and know outweighs the questions regarding what we do not understand, IMHO.....

the last thing to remember is that when you are reading the Bible, you ought to be mindful of the various literary genres you will come across, just like any other book, we must interpret the passages in the way the author meant it to be interpreted (this is more precisely known as the science and art of Hermeneutics).... and if the biblical author was self consciously writing allegory or metaphor, we must not take what was written as being literal... the most obvious example might be that just as we do not think it ought to be taken literally when Jesus claimed to be the door (John 10:1ff), there are many other areas in Scripture where these literary devices are being used.. and it can be hard work to get at the meaning... but don't despair!! Going to whatever lengths you can to understand the Bible will be well worth your time! You might be able to read the entire Bible in just a few days or weeks, but it will literally take a lifetime (and more!!!) to mine it's depths....

blessings,
Ken

epistemaniac

I wanted to add, if I may... and hey... this IS a public forum!! lol.... when Jesus spoke to you asking you why you had done this to Him.... Christians, well at least conservative Christians, believe that our sin is what Jesus actually bore on the Cross. It was literally my sins, your sins, and the sins of His people that Jesus had to bear on the Cross, for He had no sins of His own to have to atone for.... and whats more, He not only bore our sins, but more importantly, He bore the PENALTY for our sins on the Cross, for Jesus... the One who was perfect, holy, without sin... had to endure the mementary pain of seperation from God as He bore those sins...
Romans 3:21-26 (ESV) 21 But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus."

and

Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV) 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

One way to think of it is that both you and I, if we would have been present at Calvary the day Jesus died, we might very well have been the ones who nailed Him to the Cross, for in a figurative way, our sins can be represented by the nails. Since all of us... every human other than Jesus that has ever lived, has sinned and is therefore God's enemy, our very nature being one who is under the wrath of God... in that sense.... you can be the one who was said to have crucified Jesus.... just as it is true of me....

Ephesians 2:1-3 (ESV)
1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. "

Interestingly, while you were an overt Satanist, you were not necessarily any worse off then any single person who has ever lived or will ever live as to our position, outside of Christ, before a holy and just God. For all of us, whether we were atheists, agnostics, New Agers, Hindus, Satanists, Wiccans, whatever... were all, according to the Apostle Paul, "following the prince of the the power of the air", ie Satan. Now some would strongly object to this... perhaps people like Wiccans and New Agers, as well as those who claim to not even believe that such a being as God exists like atheists or persons saying you can't even know if such a being called "God" exists, eg agnostics etc... all claim to not to be under the power of Satan etc in their false religion, but it really doesn't matter what they say or think about who they are outside of Christ. What matters is, "what does the Bible say?" And the Bible is clear, there are no objective morally neutral persons.... there are only 2 paths, either you are for Jesus or against Him, there is no middle ground.

blessings,
Ken

Boanerges

Hi Waslost, if you spend a lot of time on your computer I definitely recomend you download E-sword and as many modules (translations, graphics, commentaries ,dictionaries etc.) as you can. I cuurently can cross compare over 50 translations at the touch of a button and it is freeware- here is a link:
http://www.e-sword.net/downloads.html

Also it's kind of wordy but the Amplified Bible is an awesome and eye opening read. I just finished the Message Bible and I enjoyed it ( it is paraphrased also). I love God's Word and enjoy reading God's Word in all it's "flavors".

WasLost

Thanks to all for the feedback. I'm moving slowly...so many feelings...guilt, fear, relief. I've spent the past few weeks making visitations to various churches for services trying to find someplace that feels like home. I've been reading my bible and praying. I've also spent time outside in solitude surrounded by God's natural environment in hopes of connecting.

I've thrown away all of my books and personal writing associated with my time as a Satanist. I've discarded my pendants, candles, and tried to cleanse my home of all that was unnatural.

This entire ordeal has been so draining. I'm not sure what to do other than what I'm already doing. I wait patiently for God to reach out to me again...

WasLost