steveh53

I am a 53 year old christian man with four grown up children, and five grand children. My problem is that I don't feel any love for my kids or grand kids. Their mother and I were divorced in 1990. I was devistated and did what ever I could do to be a part of my kids life. Their mother used the kids to get her way and actually put the kids up to stealing from me on many occasions. I was not perfect but throughout the years, I tried to be a good father but my ex wife was always their "hero" and nothing I did was ever good enough and their mother could do no wrong. Through those years, each one of them has stolen from me,lied to me and talked and laughed behind my back and I felt like a fool. The final straw was when my son got married and did not invite me to the wedding because it would have made his mother uncomfortable.

Now they are all grown up married,and have kids and call me and want me in their lives and I don't feel anything for them. In fact, when I hear their voices I tense up. If I never saw any of them again it would be just fine with me. I do see them out of some kind of duty because I am their father, abut I honestly do not want to be there. I feel no connection to them or the grand kids.

I know that this is not the way I am supposed to feel and I know it is wrong. I have prayed about it many times and have tried to act as if I did love them in the hopes that something would come back but I just can't get it back. I wish they would just leave me alone.

Pastor Gary

Steve - This is not a biblical answer per se, but is applicable to your situation:

Remember in the "HOME ALONE" motion picture where McCauley Culkin goes into a Church because the 'bad guys' are chasing after him? He sees the 'scary old neighbor' across the aisle from him and the older gentleman asks if he can come over and sit with him for awhile. They talk and get to know each other and for the boy, things aren't so scary any more. The older gentleman mentions that he is there to see his grand daughter in the choir and that he can't see her at any other time because of 'issues' between himself and his son. The young boy (Culkin) suggests that the man should call his son and try to patch things up so he CAN see and get to know his grand daughter. The older gentleman is affraid that his son will still reject him, but at the end of the movie, one scene shows grandpa, grand daughter and son all together again in family harmony.

McCauly Culkin said, "How will you ever know if your son is over all this unless you call him?" And that is the key, here in your case... feelings of resentment toward the person who created the overall situation should be swept aside if possible so the family that you missed so much of can once again be reunited. Your resentment of a situation created and manipulated by one person is disallowing you to be the person that you wish to be now that the scenario has changed. Open your heart and open your mind... pray to Our Father about it and I'm sure that He will show you the way...

God's blessings to you and Your Entire Family...

__________________
Pastor Gary

Administrative Pastor and
Certified Chaplain Responder -
Alabama, Florida, Michigan, Tennessee and Wisconsin.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

steveh53

Theophilus,
I think that you are under the mistaken opinion that I am choosing to feel this way. The anger is gone for the most part, and I am also not crying about it. I live a very active and successful life and I am not sitting around thinking of things to complain about. I have been trying to act as if I do have feelings for them in the hopes that my actions will bring about some change in the way that I feel. I don't hate them, I am just dead inside when it comes to them. I also don't CHOOSE to cringe and tense up when they call me. I think I need a miracle or something to opem my heart to them again. It saddens me when I see other people taking such pride in their kids and grandkids. I know that I am not normal.

Dave

Theophilus.

I, for one, am becoming a little tired of this. A man has come here for advice and your response has been to launch an attack followed by holding yourself as an example to us all. You may see yourself as full of virtue but on the evidence of this thread I certainly don't. In fact you can think yourself lucky that Jeff is the administrator here and not me.

steveh53.

I'm sorry you have been subjected to Theophilus' advice. It's entirely up to you but in your shoes I wouldn't continue this discussion publicly. I'm sure if you contacted one of the forum leaders they'd be more than happy to try to help out.

Take care
Dave

Theophilus

I was wrong. I apologize. I have removed the offensive posts.



Blessings
Cliff

Dave

Thank you Cliff. Much appreciated.

Theophilus

Steveh53,
You need to be having this discussion with your children and possibly someone who knows you and you can trust, and or possibly some qualified professional councelor.
Not in an open forum of anonymous, people that you know nothing about.

The problem in seeking advice in a forum like this is that you may come across individuals(like me) who may not have sympathy for your situation or be willing to tell you what you want to hear.

Individuals (like me)who have seen first hand the havock that devorce rages on the lives of inocent children.

Individuals (like me)that when as an adult, like your children, while trying to reconcile with their father were again rejected. Told that he wished they would just leave him alone.


Please forgive me (all of you) for speaking from the heard about things that many would rather not be faced with reading. I shall not make that mistake in this forum again.

Sincerely His
Cliff

M Paul

Steve,

You have described a long and complex set of relationships in just a few paragraphs. I hope you are a Christian. Are your wife and children?? I wonder why the children now want to renew a relationship. That strikes me as the key. Have they figured out the past was not accurately represented to them??

At any rate, you have a situation that is going to require a lot of time to figure out. You will be discussing it with a lot of people, I'm sure. Be patient. Give yourself all the time you need. God knows things aren't worked out over night. He is willing to be patient, as long as he sees you beginning to move in the right direction, wanting to change your heart and find his will.

M Paul

steveh53

Cliff,
I am not angry over what you said. If I wanted to be coddled, I am sure that I could find some sap to agree with me. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the butt. Anyway, I will go to my grave, never telling my kids that I feel this way about them. That would be the most cruel and selfish thing that I could ever do and it would serve no purpose except to unburden myself. I guess I am doing all I can do. I will keep praying about it and keep trying to do the right thing in the hope that if I drag the body along, the mind will follow.

Im sorry that I put you through this Cliff. It sounds like I made you relive some of your old nightmares.

Steve

Theophilus

Steve,

Draw from your memories, God blesses us in that our heart holds for us the good an important memories. Seek and hold to the positive things.
They are happy healthy and have families of their own there are plenty of reasons to be proud that you are their father. And When you make a sincere effert to get to know them again you will see what you knew in them as children has made them what they are today. Talk to them about things they did when they were children. Funny things, happy or embarrasing things. Personal things that revive that connection you all had before the tragidy struck. Saver the joy of making them laff and let them know that you are still here. The father they once knew and loved.
You do realize I hope that they also have guilt feelings about what happened. Every one does in a devorce, even the children. And they regret the things they did to you at their mothers direction as well. But remember that they were under her control and probibly did so more out of fear of loosing both parents than desire to hurt you.

The grandkids!! Those precous little ones. I guarentee that when you spend some time with them you will see your children when they were that age. Such a delight.

Grand kids are so great!! If I could have I would have had them first.

All the love and fun with praticaly none of the responcibility.

Yes it will take time ,but trust me it will be worth it. Every minute.

If there is any one thing on the face of this earth that can warm a cold heart or soften one made of stone it is the laffter of a child.

You want to fade the pain you now have to a memory? Then respond to your childrens willingness, and desire to restablish a relationship.

Beat your wife with love and caring. Accept and enjoy the children she tried to take away from you forever. Prove her wrong. Prove that you love them as much if not more than she. Don't bash her. (I say this knowing full well that it is not an easy thing to do) But show them that you bare no anger or malace tward her. Don't make them chose any longer. Avoid conflict and confrontation by arranging alternitve ways to share the good times. They will appreciate it and love you for it.

The best my father and I could ever do was be civil to each other. He died never realy knowing just how much I needed and loved him. It is a bond that never should be forsaken, a void that can never be filled by any other relationship.
Don't let this happen to you and yours.
I pray for much more for you and your children than that.

Even grown children need their parents. They still need and want your love and acceptance, Your judjment and advice. Your freindship and caring. What you pass on to them they will pass on to their children.
That is your legacy.

Sincerely His
Cliff