freedfromdestruction

Hello steveh53,
this no different then if it were just a brother or sister who had wronged you. I suggest that if they want a real a relationship that you simply tell them how you feel. Not in a harsh tone, just the truth. Tell them of how you have felt to be violated and why. Be clear about how you feel. If they admit their wrong and ask forgivenss without excuses then there can be real healing and forgiveness. if not then I would suggest that you simply forgive them for your sake and move on without them.

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Theophilus

Actualy it is very differant than with a brother or sister in or out of Christ. We are talking about the relationship between a father and his children.
Thats not like a freindship that is started and can be ended at will.

There are factors that must be concidered in relationship to the childrens behavour. The effect the divorce had on them. The mothers obviously using them to strike back at their father. The trama of loosing the security of both parents and a family.

In such cases any healing is better than none. In situations were the father either caused or initiated the divorce then I would expect that he would apologize before making the relationship contingient on their appology.
Any way we look at it love rules, not anger or pride. If it doesn't then all the apologies in the world won't save it.

freedfromdestruction

No it is no different. These are adults, not children and they are accountable. More then that they owe the parent respect. If they do not want to listen then tell them not to call or come around until they do. There is no need to allow them to reck your life because of their selfish hearts.

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Theophilus

WHY?

Except that what the adult does is undeniably related to the teaching or lack there of from the parent when they were children. The presence or lacking of honesty, integrity, respect,compation, and many other morals habits and traits are taught to them as children and primarily by their parents.
Your contention that there is no differance doesn't stand in the face of reality.
If your children as adults have no reguard for you, no or little respect, you are at least partialy to blame because of your failure to properly instil in them these values.

tlc

Steve,

Please answer this questions with all honesty.

1. Have you forgiven them for all the pain they have caused you in the past?
2. You said that you don't feel anything for them anymore. If this is the case, why do you tense up when you hear their voices?
3. Do you hate them? If not, then why don't you want to be part of their lives?

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Boanerges

Hi Steve, I would like to suggest that the misbehaving of your children when they were younger was only a smokescreen to hide their true feelings. Children often don't understand situations like that and can manifest their feelings in anger, rebellion and resentment- to a child it may be hard to understand why dad is not there but easy to see that he isn't. Perhaps your kids are grown up and mature enough now to deal with these things and want a fresh start with their father. Your apparent coolness in the emotional department is probably your way of dealing with the years of wounding, pain and dissapointments- at the time when you needed love the most all you could see . While the rational adult mind can comprehend this the heart of a man still wants to be loved. I am no Doctor but I reccomend the following-
Sit down in a quiet room and go back to when all this started , think of one of your family members at a time- go over everything they did to hurt and wound you - then pray this prayer- God I release (name) and I choose to forgive them, they were acting out of anger, hurt and confusion . I know we can be controlled by You or the god of this world and if they new your love they couldn't have acted this way. Help me to see them thru your eyes.
Go thru each one and every situation releasing each one in turn and then ask God to help you forgive yourself for all your shortcomings and mistakes. You will feel a million pounds lighter and you will have opened up your heart to God's healing power. Forgiveness is a powerful weapon in the arsenal of a christian and I have seen this technique produce some amazing results. Remember your God is love and it is the nature of His children to love- I will keep you in my prayers- God bless you.

tlc

That's exactly what I was thinking why I was asking the questions I posted. I am not an expert but I feel that Steve really haven't forgiven them. It's like he still hold grudges. I feel like he's still in pain about everything that happened. I'm still young to give my advice. The truth is, I'm just about to have my first child this April and I'm also concern about being a good father.

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Boanerges

tlc congratulations on the upcoming birth of you child- you will make an excellent father because you have God's love in your heart. As far as advice you are never to young to give it if God's Holy Spirit dwells in you- He is the one who gives the Word of Wisdom, Word of Knowledge and He is the one who leads and directs us and gives us words to speak !

Steve ask God to reveal the wounded areas in your heart that are keeping bound up and unable to express His love thru you to people who really need it.:
2Co 10:3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:
2Co 10:4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds
2Co 10:5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

A stronghold in our lives is usually an area of thought were we aren't renewed in our minds- it is litterally a house of thoughts - by aplying God's love and truth to that situation our minds are changed- we come into agreement with God's holy Word and we are set free- the advisary can no longer manipulate us in that area and not only is healing manifest but the love of God is free to flow thru you !

tlc

Thanks a lot Boanerges. I'm really trying hard to be pleasant in GOD's eyes.

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epistemaniac

it seems you are doing right by doing your duty.... often in the Christian life we feel as if we may be "going through the motions" but by doing so, God often revives us and renews our love for Him and others because we were faithful to do as He commands, even when we didn't feel like it.... so too in your relationship with your children and grand children.... if you do not continue to do your duty, then you will never know how God might have sparked a new stronger love for your kids and grandkids.... so hang in their.... look for ways to be active in their live.... act out the things a caring loving Father or Grandfather would do, and who knows, soon you may feel as if you are no longer playing a part, but instead the love has been renewed.... maybe as your kids got older they saw what your wife did... if she manipulated them and you.... maybe by their seeing this they are trying to take some small steps back towards a relationship with you... as a child, though, they may not want to hurt their mother by coming right out and saying that they felt she used them or whatever.... so the kids are caught in the middle here and their taking steps to be close to you again may be the only thing they can do at this point.... maybe a time will come when they share their feelings, and again, if you are not around, it most certainly won't happen.... if you are around and active in their lives, it may happen... either way, by doing as God commands regarding how it is a Father should be reacting towards his children an grandchildren you are simply being an obedient servant, by failing to do so, you are in active rebellion and sin.... so get in there and be with them as best as you can... in this way you will be serving God first and foremost.... your children and grandchild secondly, and you will be doing the right thing which will, thirdly, serve to give you the satisfaction that no matter what happened in the past, you are taking the high road now, and this you will be able to be proud of as you look back on your life someday.... but putting pride and everything else aside, its always best to obey God’s word and what it has to say about relating to others, be they your children, or a total stranger…

blessings,
Ken