Hello, I am Sable. As most of you know, I am 16-years-old, a devout-Believer in the One, True-God, and I am home-schooled.
I have been battling weight, food, calories, muscle, fat, and cellulite since I was about 13. I have had times where my focus was COMPLETELY on how 'perfect' my body was, and other times where I KNEW my heart needed desperately to be on the Lord.
I have had times where I thought I had FINALLY found the balance and, in turn, ruined everything. I am greived and saddened beyond imagination over how my body once looked....... I cannot help but feel I am COMPLETELY at fault for not having kept it my whole life.
OFCOURSE, it all started when I was 12. I was 12 years-old, compassionate, kind-hearted, dedicated, and diligent, and well.... 4'11" and 89 lbs.(with my scale on zero-pounds, that is..) I HATED my body!!! We were always sent "Limited Too" catalogs in the mail, and I wanted sooooooooo much to be like these beautiful, happy, skinny-girls I saw modeling the clothes. However, I had ABSOLOUTELY NO IDEA how firm and muscular I was, looking back. My mom always said my legs were like 'freakin'-CONCRETE!!!' However, I never thought about muscle in those days, as I do now.
So, I was 12, and I set out to lose weight and feel great---I went on a leaner program, ate less, and took REALLY, REALLY long-walks. I lost weight, ofcourse, but I ended-up losing TOO MUCH weight!!! I woke-up one morning, and decided to weigh myself---I weighed 79 lbs.!!!!!!!!
Ofcourse, after that is when my eating-disorder began. I began eating little to nothing, being unable to take a walk, being obsessive about weighing myself, looking at my tiny-stomach in the mirror to see if I was 'fat,' and much more stupidity.
So, I'll skip to the fall/winter that I was 15. I was eating ALOT ALOT ALOT of organic-oatmeal, broiled-salmon, steamed-veggies, and I was positively ADDICTED to my fresh-fruit smoothies!!!!!(that I made with non-fat frozen-yogurt, fresh-fruit, and juice) I started working-out in the gym obsessively, I would stay on the Stair-Climber until I had burnt about 350-500 calories and my face was bright-red. PLUS, in addition to my hour-long work-outs EVERDAY and no days off, I ALSO did regular 60-90 min. walks with my parents. I was 5'3" and 94 lbs. by that time. My body was sooooooooo perfect!!!
I had TONS of lean-muscle, I mean, as firm as POSSIBLE, AND I was really, thin. So, ofcourse, that kind of physical-exersion at that intensity is extremely hard on the body, and I eventually encoutered a spinal-injury. So, I just stuck with the walking and gave-up the Stair-Climber.
So, last spring/summer of 2007, I started to finally eat well and hearty EVERYTHING that was healthy and lean to eat, to try and build some muscle and still be trim and fit. I mean, I thought I was FINALLY finding a balance and maintaining my usual slimness. Well achieved it; I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO amazingly-perfect last summer you wouldn't even have believed it. I was strong, muscular, toned, slim, and I could eat ALOT!!
I was eating ALOT of and was ADDICTED to and COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT: fruits; blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, peaches, bananas, oranges, apples, grapes, watermelon, cantalope, honey-dew, ect. vegetables; cauliflouer, broccoli, carrots, onions, squash, spinache, red-pepper, asparagus, ect.
lean-protein; grilled-chicken, grilled turkey, broiled-salmon, baked-cod, almonds, organic-soynuts, ect. fiberous, oat-cereals and oatmeal; Barbara's Organic "Grainshop," Nature's Path Organic-oatmeals, raisin-bran, long-grain wild-rice, ect. low-fat or non-fat dairy; lite activia, dannon, skim-milk, non-fat frozen yogurt, ect.
breakfast:
smoothie, and about a half-cup dry oaty-cereal;
which I usually made with:
dannon lowfat vanilla-yogurt, half-a-pound of blueberries, 2-3 medium-bananas, bluebunny nonfat frozen-yogurt, and Tropican orange-juice.
and the cereal was usually raisin-bran and/or Barbara's Organic 'Grainshop'.
I am not sure what I usually had in between but dinner was ALWAYS: grilled-chicken, or broiled-salmon, steamed-stir-fry vegetables, long-grain and wild-rice, and about a lb. of seedless-grapes for dessert.
Beyond that, I rode my bike because I LOVED it, I did the treadmill with my mom everyday, we still took regular-walks because we LOVED and NEEDED to, and I had NOOOOOOO trouble whatsoever maintaining my 5'4" 105-110 lb.-frame.
So, do you want to know WHY I do not look like this anymore???? Because I KNEW how amazing I looked and felt, I did NOT possess the wisdom to take care of it, held on to it for dear-life, DID NOT release it to God for HIS-use, trashed-it, and allowed my emptiness, boredom and deep-seeded, unfelt-anger to be in the driver's-seat of my life. Now, I have since trashed the beauty that I once had, the body that was once mine, and the prosperous-blessings that my Merciful-Lord bestowed upon me!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I am ugly, and disgraceful, and I have stretch-marks and cellulite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am the ugliest and the heaviest that I have ever been in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to enter into ANOTHER SUMMMER for the first time with HORRIBLE-LEGS!!!!! I have-to continue on, and persevere through this Hell that I have created. EVERY TIME I was able to eat plenty, enjoy the exercise which I loved, and lose weight, build strength and tone, I RUINED IT!!! I AM DESTRUCTIVE AND I RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
I CANNOT STOP WHERE MY LIFE IS HEADED!!!!! I am scared and I do not spend time with God, anymore. I do not want to be seen outside of the house. I have some muscle, and cellulite and stretch-marks that disappear when I start working on it. But I am TIRED!!!! I AM SICK TO DEATH OF WORKING ON THIS!!!!! I HAVE BURNT MYSELF OUT!!!! I am in deep, deep despair, greif and torment over how I once looked, how tired I am, how ugly I am, how sick I am, and how I do not live for Jesus. I have nothing in me for this life!!! I look at other girls with PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT bodies and realize, I use-to look like that too!!!! I am devastated, my heart is heavy, my eyes are weary, and I am fat. Please pray for me to be as balanced as Jesus; I fear I may never get there. I have driven myself, worn myself, and lived for my body WAY WAY too long. I do not know the first step in taking good care of my body, but I cannot continue to take my rage out on myself, anymore. I have sooooooooooo many problems and issues to be sorted-out; I do not know where to begin. Please, please, please pray for me and have compassion
on me, eventhough I am a disgrace!!!! I have-to start having time with God, and trust Him that He has the answers through this seemingly-impossible trial. By-the-way, I am pretty muscular and I am 5'5-6" and I weigh about 150 lbs,
now. I know what a tradgedy. ***sobs***
Sincerely Sable
P.S.
I have much, much sin in my life---God doesn't prosper sin, I know that. I just want to be healthy, happy and balanced!!! I want to have my heart and eyes on Jesus Christ!!! I want to work-out and eat lean!!! I want to wear my white-blouses an denim-shorts soooooooo badly!!!!!!