Before I met my fiance, I dated several men who weren't Christian and obviously didn't allow the Lord into our relationship which I know is the main reason as to why those relationships ended.
One distinct factor in every single one of those relationships that I had to deal with was that the man I was dating would look at porn--something that I absolutely can not stand and just don't understand the desire for anyone to even consider having a gander at such awful things. I didn't trust any of them and I knew that the lack of trust was God telling me that it shouldn't go through any more. So obviously, they all ended.
Well, being with my fiance for well over a year now and having known him for four years now, I know he is a strong faithful Christian. He is actually the one person that brought the Lord back into my life and turned my ways around when I used to drink and stay out too late. Having the Lord as our foundation has really helped us to understand each other and to grow with love for each other even more than what we started with.
However, a little over a month ago as I was using the internet on my fiance's computer, I came across some extremely distasteful websites that may or may not have been looked at. I wasn't sure. But it devastated me. I trusted my fiance with all my heart but now those same trust issues I had with my past relationships all came back in the same way. I tried to deal with it myself for a few days but I finally had to ask him about it. I asked him if he had ever looked at porn and he admitted to it. It just made me more upset. It changed my entire view of him in an instant... I thought it was something he had never done.
At that point I wasn't sure what to do. With the direction that God had been leading me in my life, I was sure that he was the person I am to wed, but what about this situation that just happened?
After continuous talks with my fiance about the issue, he has told me that he used to look at it, but that since we have been together, he hasn't.
But because I found those websites on his computer, I still have an extreme lack of trust and am just not sure if he's telling me the truth. We've had some nasty arguments over this issue since it happened. But the past few weeks I have avoided bringing it up and I have been trying my best to pray to God and asking him to help me forgive him or forget it, or for me to find the truth.
But even since I've been praying I'm just failing to see the clear picture right now. I'll be fine and realize that everything is okay one day and then another day I'll feel like maybe he really isn't telling the truth. My fiance knows that I'm struggling with this, and he has assured me several times that he hasn't looked at it, but there are hints that are telling me that I shouldn't believe him.
I'm just not sure if me not being able to trust my fiance anymore has something to do with me not forgiving myself of past situations, or if there is something more that God is telling me?
Either way, what should I do?
