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covenant4 · 03-03-2007, 04:40 PM

I would like to ask for opinions about this situation. I am new here but I think it looks like a place for this problem.

We, as Christian parents, have a Christian son that is an only-child. Our son married a Christian girl that has a 4-year-old son from a previous marriage. His wife got pregnant and they expect their first child together. As first-time grandparents, we are delighted when she told us she was one month pregnant. We asked the D-I-L if there was anything she needed for our first grandchild. She said she had everything she needed from the son from her first marriage, except for a $250 collapsible stroller system that she saw in a thrift store. I offered to buy if for them and sent a check to the daughter-in-law right away.

We live 700 miles apart, but nothing appeared to have been bought during 3 visitations during the remaining 8 months before the birth. With each vast we asked if anything new had been bought for the upcoming baby. "No, I don't really need anything, I have everything I need or can borrow what I need" is the answer given. We thought that perhaps she was waiting until after the baby was born. So we waited.

The baby was born. No stroller had yet been bought for 3 months after the birth. Upon inquiring about there being no stroller, the D-I-L evasively said that the money was put into “a” bank account. Upon further inquiry, it came out that it was put into the son from a previous marriage’s college education fund. (As a part of her divorce settlement, her ex-husband is primarily responsible for his son’s college fund because she does not work.) We had been asked to contribute to the fund a month before she found out that she was pregnant but said that, since it was not our grandchild and her ex-husband was responsible for his education, we would prefer that they use any of the inheritance that will be left to them after we die. (As an only child he gets everything.)

We felt that it was a misuse of the agreed upon use of the money as it was given for a specific item that was in a certain thrift shop so it couldn’t have been bought by us and then shipped to her. The daughter-in-law says that since other things needed to be bought after the baby was born - like formula, diapers and swings etc she/they feel that it shouldn't make any difference if the stroller wasn’t bought with the money or that it was put into her son’s college fund. The son agrees with the wife. The D-I-L never discussed the college fund deposit with us and was evasive about it when asked.

We felt that it was inappropriate to use it in the manner in which it was used because the money was given for our first grandchild - not the daughter-in-laws son that was not related to us at all even though we adore him and do not treat him any differently. To him, we are his grandparents too and do buy him many gifts. It would have been entirely different if the D-I-L had said, “Gee, I really don’t need that stroller after all. Do you mind if I keep it until after the baby is born for things we need then?”

We are being treated as though we were wrong for expecting it to be used for what it was agreed upon but we don’t feel as though we were wrong for expecting her to keep her word. To us it is a matter of trust and honesty. When we give money to missions, we know in advance they are going to use it for whatever they deem necessary, but we still expect them to use it for missions’ purposes – not for a luxury vacation to the Bahamas. That would be a misuse of the intent of the giver.

As a side note, I want to add that my D-I-L has ADHD and is mild bi-polar. For those who don’t know, it is a disorder that causes one to say things and to do things impulsively – good or bad. She is not mentally incompetent. In fact, she is quite intelligent and knows right from wrong. We are learning how to deal with the disorder and there have been numerous “odd” behaviors that we have set aside but we decided that this one needed to be brought out into the open. We have told her that we don’t want the money back but they don’t believe that we should expect at least an apology for it and we are very disappointed that they feel differently.

Overall, she is a very good mother, a very good wife and we are delighted at that.

What do you think?