Autism isn't the end of all that is worthwhile. You're the same person you were before being labelled, but the diagnosis may aid in understanding yourself and finding strategies for dealing with it. Autism is not the same as retardation, if that's any comfort. I have a nephew who is autistic. His parents and other caregivers have worked hard with him and, while he still has issues related to his condition, he's made a lot of progress. He is a delightful child.
You certainly don't seem "retarded" to me. You seem to communicate and interact fine in this forum. I think you may underestimate yourself because of the particular obstacles related to your autism. Behind the social awkwardness and the difficulty focusing and such, there is a bright, articulate, thoughtful person.
You ask a lot of "why" questions, which is only natural. I have come to accept that I'm simply not going to know a lot of the "whys" in this life. If you live your life for God, He will not allow it to be wasted. For me, it is a simple matter of trust, having come to know His nature, that my obedience to Him, my struggling with my weaknesses and limitations and foolishness, offered up to Him as service and worship, will not be wasted, will not go unnoticed. Whew, lot of commas in that sentence. This autism, and the issues that go with it, is the burden you have been given to bear. Why did God saddle you with this? Why doesn't He just fix it? I don't know, but He knows, and His knowing is sufficient. That doesn't necessarily make it easier, but know that He has not left you dangling in the wind, too defective for Him to notice.
I have to rush to work, now, so can't finish a couple other thoughts. I will pray for you, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your life and your future have inestimable value in God's eyes.
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