Quote:
Originally Posted by NoDoubt
I want to get drunk. I want to forget. I don't want to have to live with myself all the time.
I felt incapable before, then I find out I have high functioning autism. A curse where I look normal, but seem wierd. I can't socialize, thanks to my retardation. It's made my life very miserable. I've tried several things in hopes of never waking up, but all have failed.
Life is too much for me. I can't focus, I can't function, it all hurts too much.
I know in the depths of my heart that God is perfect in every way. So I only get more angry at myself trying to figure out why He won't fix me. I refuse to allow myself to even think about being angry or bitter at God, because if I die now, I go to heaven. I don't want to venture into the dangerous territories of denounciation.
So I almost want to kill myself preventatively. It sure doesn't feel like I'll get any better. The ways I have gotten better have made me so angry. I worked out until I achieved this "normal" appearance, and that only made my autism stand out that much more.
Why am I so weak? Why can't I draw on God's strength to do the right things? Why can't I let go of so much bitterness and depression? Why can't I stop myself from doing the terrible things I do? Why do I have to live?
|
No Doubt. We're all damaged goods. We're all in the same boat, holding different oars. IN this boat, we are all going to face storms.where the winds are so strong, we're sure that the mast is going to be snapped like a toothpick, and fall on us. where the waves are so feirce, and so powerful, that there doesn't seem to be any way that our little boat can hold together beneath the force of the water crashing down on us,filling the boat with more water than it could possibly hold. But we must remmeber who is also in the boat with us:
Mark 4:35-45(KJV)
"35And the same day, when the even was come, he saith unto them, Let us pass over unto the other side.
36And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.
37And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
38And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith? 41And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?"
biblegatway.com
do lot lose heart. Jesus is capable, and God's grace is sufficient. Through Him we are all made new. FOcus your eyes on the front of the boat, where Jesus stands,arms outstretched, and watch his robes billowing in the wind,then gently settling in to the natural position oas the waves cease and the wind calms to a gentle breeze, and the sun comes from behind the clouds, warming and drying the cold drops of rain from your face. He is there with you, and will strengthen you, and realize that He loves you.