NoDoubt

I want to get drunk. I want to forget. I don't want to have to live with myself all the time.

I felt incapable before, then I find out I have high functioning autism. A curse where I look normal, but seem wierd. I can't socialize, thanks to my retardation. It's made my life very miserable. I've tried several things in hopes of never waking up, but all have failed.

Life is too much for me. I can't focus, I can't function, it all hurts too much.

I know in the depths of my heart that God is perfect in every way. So I only get more angry at myself trying to figure out why He won't fix me. I refuse to allow myself to even think about being angry or bitter at God, because if I die now, I go to heaven. I don't want to venture into the dangerous territories of denounciation.

So I almost want to kill myself preventatively. It sure doesn't feel like I'll get any better. The ways I have gotten better have made me so angry. I worked out until I achieved this "normal" appearance, and that only made my autism stand out that much more.

Why am I so weak? Why can't I draw on God's strength to do the right things? Why can't I let go of so much bitterness and depression? Why can't I stop myself from doing the terrible things I do? Why do I have to live?