Please bear with me, this may be long, but I must give you the proper details. I met my "first love" when I was 15 and it was a long romance lasting until I was almost 19. I was head over heels with him and we shared so many wonderful things including being saved on the same day as well as baptized. We sang duets in church and seeing as how I had never been exposed to the Lord or involved in church until I met him I thought we were destined to be together. Eventually, we began backsliding and after a 4 month engagement sin ultimately lead to our relationship's demise. He began dating and so did I, but we never stopped talking or seeing each other completely until he got married to his new girlfriend due to unplanned pregnancy. This totally crushed me, but I knew with the circumstances as they were I had no choice but to move on. I was a month shy of my 20th birthday when I met my husband and was instantly smitten with him. He was a very genuine, honest man and best of all a devout Christian who got me back in church. Though thoughts of my ex would arise often I brushed them off and eventually married my husband when I was 21 years old. Our marriage slowly began to crumble. Our communication began lacking as well as intimacy and I continued to think of my ex even after some years passed. I knew that the Devil was the cause of this distraction so I tried to follow the Lord and put my all in my marriage especially since by this time I had 2 children involved. My husband became very distant and harsh towards me. I tried all I could to get him to open up, but he refused to even try and resolve the relationship. I was so lonely and lacking so much that a wife should receive in a marriage according to God's word. Last year me and my husband began discussing seperation and divorce. We seperated for a short time. I ran into my ex fiance during this time and we began what at first was "friendly" catching up. He was now divorced and we discussed problems we both struggled with. The Devil took hold and I ended up having a one night affair with him. Even though I was seperated from my husband at the time I knew that the Lord was ashamed of me and my ex felt the same. Me and my ex stopped talking completely due to this. I felt that I needed to try and repair my relationship with my husband and tell him what I did. I came clean about the affair and he forgave me. I don't think I have ever forgiven myself though. Me and my husband resumed our marriage, but the same problems we once had are still here. We have made it through 8 years of marriage, but I fear we may not have many more. I have prayed about my marriage and prayed that the Lord will take the feelings I have for my ex away so that I can give 100% to my marriage. I know that me having feelings for a man other than my husband is not pleasing to the Lord, but I don't know what to do. My ex began contacting me again through e-mail several months ago and last night professed that he is still in love with me after all of these years. He says that he does not think that the love we shared will ever go away. I am so confused, but my main goal is to please the Lord and walk with him. Please help. I know that I will not let myself commit "physical" adultrey with my ex again, but I know I am committing it in my heart and mind for thinking of him. I feel so guilty asking for forgiveness from the Lord for something that I keep doing. Please help and pray for me and my family. I really do want to be the best Christian I can.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
