moto_rider

I weep everytime I think about how I let my dad down… please help

Im lost. I weep everytime I think about how I let my dad down. I’m not doing my best in university. I lie to my dad about my grades cuz I don’t want him to be upset. He is supporting me financially and I feel like im just throwing away the money he went thru so much pain to make.

He bought me a condo, a car, and everything else I have. I feel like im a total loser and useless. Im crying right now just typing this. I don’t have a job but I do make very little money on the side on the stock market. However its not enough to support myself. I tell people im a stock trader just to impress them, but im really just a phony.

All I know to do is ride my motorcycle, go have fun, skydiving, etc etc. never anything productive. Im torn but I cant seem to control myself. When I go have fun I just lose myself and not worry about this horrible world I live in. how my gf cheated on me and has been treating me like dirt makes it worse.

Last year I made my dad cry cuz I told him he’s a horrible person and I hate him. Until this day I still regret saying it. He’s the best person in the world and he has supported me in everything that I wanted to do. I love him so much I would take a bullet for him.

I have asked God why cant he just kill me. This way I wont be a leech on my dad anymore and he can invest everything in my 10yo brother. I love my brother and im very sad that I cant be a perfect role model for him. Sometimes I just want to kill myself so my brother has a better chance.
But the only thing keeping me alive is my mom and dad. I tried to kill myself before by ODing in 2004 but I lived.

I don’t know what to do. If I live im just gonna be a leech on my father. If I die my father is going to be very very upset. My grandpa died this year and my father told me he was very very upset and if I die too he’d be torn apart. I don’t want him to be torn and that’s why im alive. But everyday I live in agony.
Plz help me. Please!!!